Sometimes when the sun goes down and I'm just left with me and my emotions, it almost feels as if there's a whole world ticking on by, inside my head. Where every second can be a year of my life flashing through my mind surrounded by thoughts of people and places from past to present.
There always seems to be something constantly and selfishly running through my mind at 2:00am even though i'd likely wasted the previous two or three or four hours browsing the internet and refreshing news articles hoping to see some other form of internet junk for eyes appear in front of me, often in the hopes that it will spur on some sort of thoughts and feelings of happiness, excitement or cause me to reminisce of times gone by instead of wistfully wasting away hours which are better spent elsewhere.
There often seems to be an endless amount of nights gone by where it's just me and my laptop, connecting, chatting and talking online - where fairly frequently one can be found to be the life and soul of the (internet) party surrounded by thousands of friends at the click of a button and the swipe of a finger, although in reality, it's just me and my well loved cuddly animals at home with some sort unhealthy carb based meal that I'll likely regret an hour after finishing.
Sometimes I even close my laptop and imagine what it's like to spend more time outside where i'm surrounded by friends in what most 'normal' people would call real life. At a a venue that I don't have keys for and a place where there isn't a laptop in site, confidence is mile high and there's not a worry in the world.
And when I find myself wide awake at 2:00am thinking of all the things I didn't do that evening and all the friends that I don't have, sometimes I smile. Sometimes I simper and squeeze the duvet that extra bit tighter because I know what it feels like to feel alive.
Because in all honesty, it's better to feel loneliness and stay true to who you are as a person, hold your own thoughts, feelings and flaws close to you, and be in a safe environment where you can spend the whole entire weekend sat around in your pants, where a 'sharing sized' bag of Doritos means 'meal for one' and not brushing your hair for 48 hours is perfectly acceptable. It's better to worry about a lack of social life than fill every precious moment with fake friends in even faker environments to conform to a perception of a perfect life.
There may often be positives hidden away somewhere deep down inside a negative and if you find yourself feeling lonely when home alone, in a crowded room full of people, on the tube, or even in the street.. I try and remember that the only difference between solitude and loneliness is a state of mind and instead of focusing on the negative implications that can come with being alone, and instead think of the positive aspects that come with pure reflection.
Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.Henry Rollins
And that, my lovely internet friends, is why it's okay to feel lonely.