Do you ever have one of those days where you wish and long and for the ground to swallow you up, where you look in the mirror and over analyze your entire face, body and mind and hope that if you stare long enough at your reflection something will eventually begin to change? Do you open your blog in the hope of finding some inspiration and stare at the blank page for what seems like hours on end?
Chances are, you most probably have, and you're not alone.
This week I wrote up my October Wishlist post, and I admit, it took me a lot longer than it should have and that wasn't because there were too many products I wanted or needed... it was simply because all the things I'm really wishing for this October aren't products you can easily pick up off the shelf.
If you suffer from Atelophobia, low self esteem or one of many other issues, there are times where you just want to sit in a dark room by yourself, hug a teddy bear and block out the outside world. I've no shame in admitting that I have many of these evenings and and have spent many days wishing time away so I can sleep again and not have to face people. Which is one of the reasons why I find it that much easier to make friends online than in real life, but as you guys know - i'm working on improving my real life people skillzzz.
This week i've mostly been wishing for a thinner waist, longer hair, brighter hair, blonder hair, silver hair, a new wardrobe, those shoes i donated to a charity shop 2 years ago, whiter teeth, straighter teeth, fake teeth, new make up, all the make up, pale make up...
It's funny how just writing that led me to a moment of realization... If you stare long enough at your reflection trying to find the things you don't like, you'll never find the things you do and when I have a day, evening or week feeling that way there's one thing that I find helps me...
I close the laptop, take my make off, put my hair in a bun, change into my onesie and spend time just being me.
So what does that really mean?
For me, it's time spent without any responsibilities or pressures. Where I don't have to think, make decisions or worry. I find that living a busy life can mean that I spent a lot of my free time thinking about things I haven't yet done, things I wish to achieve but have no time for and things I could have done better. I always seem to have constant doubts running though my mind which can make me insecure or less confident in myself and there's nothing that feel better about myself than a night of sitting around in my pants, playing video games and napping.
I often worry if i'll ever get over my fear of not being good enough, or if it's a feeling i'll always carry with me. Although on the other side, I can't help but think that what if it's my fears of failure that make me driven, ambitious, and determined...
...and without those fears, would I still have the same passions, goals and expectations?